Category Archives: News

The Lexicon of Chav – 16/04/2016

Yes, it’s Lexicon time – the part of the show where each week we educate you, yes you, the educated elite, into the ways of the feral underclass that seemingly run our planet, by providing detailed translations of common ‘street-talk’.

This week, the words under scrutiny are:

Boys to mensh

Common usage:- Prestoney! In the zoner, ya’ll that’s a hardcore hood, but you want take on my man C here, go ahead because you know, he’s fierce, he gonna come up in your face he gonna major damage you, you gonna walk away maybe limp but I say talk to the hand, call waiting, ’cause he’s out, boy is out… I can’t restrains him ’cause I’m conversatin’ you right now to give him a chance to cool down, to get back to a realistic level, as it were because we could be chillin’ in our crib, representing the M to the K and Lakeshood, you know. Mallin’ it like we all can, boys to mensh, pimp my Mercedes, call me back, put you on hold, you know what I’m sayin’?

Definition:- ‘Now, we don’t want any palaver with the nice northern gentleman, Ruprecht, do we? Come along old bean…’.

Winkie earlier today
Winkie earlier today

Widely and incorrectly believed to have originated from the 2004 hit film, The Football Factory, its first recorded usage actually dates to Corineus, legendary eponymous hero of Cornwall. According to Geoffrey of Monmouth’s Historia regum Britanniae (1135–39), he was a Trojan warrior who accompanied Brutus the Trojan, the legendary founder of Britain, to England. Corineus killed Gogmagog(Goëmagot), the greatest of the giants inhabiting Cornwall, by hurling him from a cliff. A cliff near Totnes, Devon, is still called Giant’s Leap.

Disgraced Olympic Sprinter Challenges Robbo Over Samir Punishment

Johnson Slur
Johnson Slur

This Just In – in what has been described as one of the most hypocritical attacks in recent memory, disgraced Olympic sprinter and drug-cheat Ben Johnson today launched a blistering attack on Karl ‘Robbo’ Robinson’s handling of the Samir Caruthers PissGate story.

In a plea published in today’s Milton Keynes Citizen, Johnson claimed that the Dons were ‘the most unpopular side in the UK’, that Caruthers was a ‘Disgusting Juvenile’ and that the Dons were allegedly ‘a family club’.

The MooCamp says “We won’t be lectured on morality by a disgraced drug cheat, so how about sorting that out first Mr so-called Johnson?  If you’re keen to have your views taken seriously, then how about popping back in time and not cheating in the 1988 Olympic 100m final first eh?  Get your own house in order Mr Johnson, then, and only then, you can come back and have a go at our fine urinating lads.”

We’d also like to gently criticise the lack of consistency used – reference to both Milton Keynes Dons and Milton Keynes Football Club in the same article breaks all established rules of franchise bashing.

(The reference to ‘splashed’ in the first sentence was quite funny though)

More on this once we’ve established when he moved from Canada.

Casting begins for “No Toilet Training Allowed – The AFC Kingston Story”

The owner of the Heel of God
The owner of the Heel of God

Following today’s announcement that previously well-respected educationalist and author John Green intends to sully his reputation further by producing a film about the story of the Kingston lot, the footballing world is alive with speculation as to who will pick up some of the key roles.

Early reports suggest that “No Toilet Training Allowed – The AFC Kingston Story” will cover all the key moments in the club’s short history.  Current football showbiz rumours suggest that the arrest and imprisonment of their first goalscorer will feature prominently, and that the film will culminate in a very long slow-motion sequence of the ball looping from Semi’s heel, over Neil Sullivan’s head and into the net at the Cowshed end.

Bookies favourites to pick up the starring roles are currently as follows:

  • Glen Mulcaire – John Altman
  • Jon Otsemobor – Ryan Gosling
  • Neil Sullivan – Shaun Williams
  • Dirty Protestors – supplied by Whipsnade Zoo
  • Neil Ardley – Danny Dyer
  • Ivor Hellor – Steve McFadden
  • Erik Samuelson – Leslie Grantham
  • Pete Winkelman – George Clooney
  • John Brockwell – Clint Eastwood
  • Simon from London – Adam Woodyatt
  • Beavis and Butthead – Beavis and Butthead
  • Kevin from Bath – Ian Holloway
  • Sam Hammam – Eddie Izzard

We’ll keep you posted on the news as it happens.

Brando.

Radio Show Gallery Updated

ClemenWinkie
The much feared ClemenWinkie earlier today

Just a quick note – I’ve just been through the radio show gallery and updated the links to some of the shows that had become unavailable, so if you want to have a listen to any of the shows we’ve put out over the last few years, then they’re all up there.

If you’re surprised that an international media conglomerate such as ourselves could possibly have shows becoming unavailable, then once you’ve sobered up, here’s why it happens. Without going into too much detail, our shows are initially uploaded to the Secklow Sounds Spreaker site.  That’s where we link to, and where you can stream or download the show from within a couple of hours of live broadcast.  After a few weeks or months, the Secklow Spreaker site will delete older shows to free up space and keep costs down – as soon as I’m aware that any of our shows have been deleted, then I’ll upload them to our own MooCamp Radio Show Spreaker site.  I’ll then rebuild the links in the original posts to point to the long-term home of the shows.

If you happen to come across any shows where the recording is showing as deleted, then it’s either because I don’t know it’s gone yet, I haven’t had time to correct it, or I can’t be bothered.  You won’t know which one it is (though regular readers may be biased towards that latter option) so feel free to drop me a line and let me know.

Cheers.

Subscribers – An Apology

Bean Lewington
Bean Lewington

Dear all

I’ve been on a posting frenzy this evening, and the switch that I need to flick to say ‘don’t send emails to everyone for every bloody post, as that’s really likely to piss them off’ didn’t get flicked.

I’m currently flagellating myself in a mix of penitence and general amusement.

It’s still off btw, so you won’t see this unless you come to the website.  I thought it would be a bit off of me to send an email apologising for sending you so many emails.

Anyway, deep apologies.

Brando.

The Samir Caruthers’ Incontinence Clock

In response to significant supporter demand, combined with a specific request from Cheltenham Cleaning Supplies, we’re pleased to announce the arrival of the Samir Caruthers’ Incontinence Clock.  The clock, powered by a mix of modern technology and good old-fashioned ammonia, will track the time since Samir’s last ‘accident’, which we hope will provide a sense of ‘good-boy’ encouragement to Samir and all who know him.

To view the clock, just visit http://www.moocamp.com

 

So will the clock need to be reset?

Armitage Shanks - The MooCamp Radio ShowIt’s too early to tell at the moment, but rest assured that we WILL keep you posted.  We’ve had another visit from “they who don’t know how to use a toilet” so there’s every chance that we will need to reset the Armitage Shanks Memorial Clock.  We have discussed the possibility of creating a separate upper-tier clock – we’ll update you on that as soon as we know more.

Our contacts inside the club are reviewing the damage at the moment and will report back soon – as soon as we know, you’ll know.

It’s Official! The Clock Has Been Reset

FoobBadge - The MooCamp Radio Show

Yes boys and girls, momentous times are upon us.  I can now announce that, having received formal notification from those in the know, that our visitors on Tuesday did indeed choose to crap on the floor once again.

Therefore, if you could please imagine a drum roll while you read the following announcement:

Having previously run for 618 days without incident after the ‘unpleasantness’ of the first visit from the Kingston club, the Armitage Shanks Memorial Clock has now had to be reset after their second visit.  It means that once again, the self-proclaimed saviours of football have displayed behaviour that even household pets can be shamed out of without difficulty.

To all those involved, and to all those who’ve encouraged and supported this rather odd belief that these people can do no wrong, I raise a glass of cherryade to you all.

Well done!

The Armitage Shanks Memorial Clock now stands at:

Message ends.